No Title for No Feelings

Today is a very sad day for me.  I was to take a pregnancy test this morning to see if I conceived on this round of fertility treatments.  Once again, it was a big giant negative...
Everytime I take one of those tests, wait 3 minutes, and go to look at the results anxiously only to see no line has appeared...a piece of my heart breaks more and more.  It leaves me with less hope.

I've been very depressed today throughout work and am supposed to have dinner with friends tonight, but I'm just not feeling like doing anything but going straight to bed and laying in darkness.  This may sound dramatic, but if you have never gone through this, then you don't understand.  It's like when you check your bank account thinking you have $500 in there and realize you only have $200...ok, it's  a lot worse than that...but you get my drift.  I talked to just a couple of people about it, but it didn't really help.  Writing is the only way I can do it right now, because it's just one of those days where I don't want to talk to anyone. 
Someone said, well it was only your first month.  It was only my first month with THIS doctor.  Let's no forget, we've been trying for 3 years and I did 6 months of chlomid in the past. 

Fertility treatments are so hard on your body, no matter what you're doing.  There are hormones galore, not to mention all the time off work I have to take so I can go in, get ultrasounds, shots, etc...and of course the money!  Of course I called the doctor today and told them and they said "call back when your cycle starts and then we'll have to do another ultrasound to make sure we can start you back on Femara".  Ok, but I am supposed to take Femara days 3-7.  So if I call on day 1 to go in for an ultrasound, I'm either going to have to quickly get in for the ultrasound and take my pills, or wait another month.  And each ultrasound is $300 itself, I will have to have at least 2 ultrasounds during this round...plus shots, meds from the pharmacy, etc...

Can I do this again?  I mean maybe I can do it again physically, but can I do it again financially?  It seems like a giant waste of money when I spend thousands of dollars on something and it doesn't work.  Maybe we need to take a harder look at adoption.  My father is adopted, I'm not against it.  Without it, I wouldn't be here.  But everyone always wants their own child.  It's even more expensive, but at least you get a baby in the end. 

And I'm so over reading about everyone on facebook who is pregnant!  I'm so tired of seeing "bump watches" celebrity style.  I mean congratulations, but I'm bitter right now.  And don't even get me started about Mother's Day...oh how I dread that day.  At least I'm a fur mom.

Sorry for being so crabby today, but I have a right to be.  Why is everyone else getting babies when it's safe to say, that some of those people may not deserve it as much?  I know that's a horrible thing to say or think of, but it's true.  Does Octomom really need 14 kids?  I know she paid for them all...but still, God helped a little didn't He?  Then why isn't He helping me??  I'm trying not to falter in my faith, but days like today I find it hard not to.  I know it's a normal process to go through with those thoughts...but I do feel bad thinking that way. 

Maybe just for like the next week I can block everyone that posts pictures of their babies, pregnant bellies, and are announcing pregnancies.  Then I may feel better after that.  Not to say that I don't love all of my friends and family that have children, but I am just feeling down.  Out of sight, out of mind, right?

Time to go cry some more.  Ugh.