Well, it's been since 5/16 since I last posted. I needed to take some time for myself to sort out my thoughts.
Well back on May 20th, I went in for an early morning ultrasound to see if I had developed follicles from my last round of treatment. I felt like the ultrasound tech didn't know what she was doing because she had the most difficult time ever trying to find my ovaries. When she finally did, she couldn't see any follicles. With that, it meant that I didn't even ovulate this round. My ultrasound was at 7am, so I left around 7:45am. It was a warm sunny morning so I went for a little drive with the windows down. I tried to call my husband but he was still asleep after getting off late the night before. I ended up at Dunkin Donuts and grabbed us a little breakfast and a giant iced coffee. Hey, I'm not going to be ovulating, so I might as well eat what I want. So I spent the day crying and being upset over what happened...heck I spent the past 6 weeks doing that.
The doctor called on Monday morning and said she wanted me to come in and have another ultrasound and see if any follicles developed and to try and figure out what happened between the last times and this time.
I declined to go back for another ultrasound. After a lot of soul-searching, I decided that my body and spirit had come to an impass and that is why I didn't ovulate. I was so mad. I mean, I didn't even get the opportunity to conceive this time. I hadn't failed at conception, I had plain failed at even the possibility.
I think at this point in life, I had to come to a realization. Either I was going to keep throwing away money, taking time off from work and other activities to keep going to these fertility appointments, or I can just stop...and live. I can't say that I've really gotten to the living part yet. I've been on a deep spiral of depression since May 20th. I've been working hard to overcome it, but I haven't yet, and I've decided that it's ok for me to feel that way. It's ok for me to be angry, it's ok for me to jealous, and it's ok for me to pout.
I took awhile to post anything b/c I was so upset that I didn't want this to become a giant pity party. Because I realize that while going through treatments, I was a hormonal mess of crazy. So sorry if anyone was upset that I hadn't posted, wondered what was going on, or if you don't care.
I can't say that there is any good news at this point. I'm not making this announcement, and then say but....
Simply put, we are done with fertility treatments. It drained our savings, my mind, my body, and mostly my heart. Most of you will say, well why not adopt? Well, have you ever adopted? And if so, did you have money? There is still a lot of cost involved with it. We have done a lot of research, talked to some people we needed to talk to. There is a ton of upfront cost and you can get some back after the adoption is final. There is also the lengthy waiting process. Am I saying we won't ever adopt? Nope. But is it the right time for us now? Nope.
I have to remind myself that I have a good life with or without children. I have a good job, a good husband, fur-kids, and stuff. And I'll continue to have a good life with or without it. I just have to figure out how to completely do that. And I will. So at this point, I'm trying not to sugar-coat it anymore. I'm no longer saying "if/when we have a kid". I'm just not mentioning it. It's harder now more than ever to see babies, seeing people post their pregnant pictures, etc... sadly, I've had to hide a lot of those people from my newsfeeds. Not that I'm not happy for them, but I have to put myself first right now. I have to heal.
I hope this to not be the end of our journey and to still post my thoughts on here.
Thank you for your support and I welcome any questions. I'm not really looking for suggestions to adoption or fertility right now though, just support.
