Well it's a bad day/week/month/year for me. I stayed home sick not feeling well at all today. I'm also very sad/depressed. So I wonder if that makes me not feel well. Maybe it's the Femara and other hormones wreaking havoc on my system, but even though I'm sitting here looking out at a bright and sunny backyard and 2 dogs happily rolling around, I'm sad.
I thought maybe if I posted my thoughts today, it would make me feel better and make me get out, whatever it is that is bringing me down.
Ever have those days? Of course you do, everyone does. I'm just SAD, always tired, just want to sleep. See a psychiatrist? Thanks, I do. I have since I was a teenager. I take a good amount of anti-depressants/anxiety medications. Normally they work, but maybe the extra dose of estrogen kind of counters them.
I wish I could post about all the reasons why I'm feeling sad, but although I love sharing with whoever is reading these posts, some of those reasons are just way too personal and I'd rather keep it to the infertility stuff. But I am tired of throwing myself a pity party, I just wish I could buck up and move on. But I can't. I am having thoughts of whether or not I should keep going with this fertility stuff if it doesn't work this month, and while positivity is the best thing for me right now, I have none. It's like I just feel it's not going to work, yet again, and then I will have wasted a ton more money. Maybe I should start looking more into adoption. Everyone assumes that a super easy decision to make "Just adopt Kira, there are so many kids out there". I hear that more times than you could count. And it's usually from people who had no problems with infertility and/or have children at this point. Adoption is a grueling process in it's own right. You don't just pay some attorney's fees and get a baby. There are waiting periods, lots of heartbreak where mother's change their minds, everyone involved in the process will know way too much about your life. And despite how it looks posting a blog, I'm a very private person. If I wasn't, I'd be telling you all everything about me. For the most part, if I think it will help someone, I will tell them about how I'm feeling, but if I feel there will be no reaction, then I'll definitely stonewall the topic.
I think I write this, because I can't see any of you. I can't see your reactions, and if you don't agree with what I'm writing, then thankfully none of you have said anything mean to me!
But needless to say, I'm having a day of hopelessness. I've been doing a lot of thinking about maybe just being a childless family. But it's a hard decision to make as well. While I know I'll have a good life either way (I mean I have a great job, a great education, awesome pets who act like kids, a good home and nice car) obviously I want what I can't have. Then I think, do I really want a family or is that romantic thought of not being able to easily have it, so that's why I want it? Either way, it doesn't matter at this point.
Do I keep going with all this or do I cut my losses and say "I tried and it didn't work"? One things for sure, I really could use a vacation back to Hawaii. The doctor constantly tells me to reduce stress in my life, kind of hard to do when all of this crap has happened to us this year.
Alright, I'm done for now. Thanks for reading, sorry if I Debbie Downered you today! Go outside and enjoy some sunshine! And if you're reading this from Hawaii, splash in the ocean for me!
Wednesday, May 16, 2012
Friday, May 11, 2012
Happy Non-Mother's Day???
Well, let's address the elephant in the room. Sunday is Mother's Day and I'm not a Mother, but wish I was. It'd be different if I wasn't wanting to have a family, it'd be just another Sunday but one where I could spend time with the family, give my mom some flowers and be done. But nope, instead it's a day that I'll yet be able to celebrate, if ever.
I recently found this blog post that was linked by Resolve.org on twitter. http://www.baptiststandard.com/index.php?option=com_content&task=view&id=13771&Itemid=9
The title on twitter said : Remember the infertile on Mother's Day. While everyone is celebrating with brunches, breakfast in bed, children promising to do chores, and receiving gifts (some bigger than others) I'll be making my own breakfast, cleaning my own house, and probably buying MYSELF something to make up for the fact that I don't have anyone to celebrate me on this day. I only get my birthday for that. Not that I'm being greedy and saying I want stuff. But more than anything, I want somene to call me a mom.
Ok, my dogs and cat know me as "mommy" so maybe that counts. And I do carry my little 17lb beagle/sheltie mix around like an infant and sing to her. Could be because I'm dilusional though. Maybe they could create a Dog-Mom holiday or just an "You're awesome" day. Then we can just celebrate anyone who is awesome, and quite frankly, I am! All kidding aside, this is going to be a sad weekend for me. Lots of extra working out to keep my endorphins going and my serotonin increasing.
I wonder if my husband feels this way on Father's Day? Maybe men don't get as emotional about it as women do. And afterall, I am the reason we can't have children, not him. So if anything, he should be mad at me that day. Heck, I'm mad at me. But seriously, Snooki gets to celebrate Mother's Day but I don't? I'm an actual productive member of society who doesn't get sloshed everyday and Jersey Turnpike for the cameras. Heck, I don't need alcohol or a camera to do that!
My sister wants me to come to her house on Mother's Day so we can make some fried chicken for our momma that day. I'll get to see my nieces and play and maybe I'll forget that I don't have my own kid joining in on the fun...but it's still going to be a struggle.
So I just ask, that while your kids are fighting with each other that day and you're pulling your hair out going "I just want a quiet Mother's Day", just remember that 10% of us have a quiet day everyday. But it's not the type of peaceful quiet you'd think. That only comes when you have satisfaction in your life. No, ours is a little more of a lonely quiet. While I enjoy sleeping in for now, eating when/want I want, not having anything to really do after work or on weekends, it's not as good as it sounds. With Ryan back at work, I'm home alone most nights and every weekend. I come home from work, eat some macaroni and cheese or something I picked up on the way, watch a few gossipy tv shows, try to play with my dogs (who don't really play back), and go to bed by myself. It's definitely better when Ryan is there to keep me company b/c he's essentially like a kid, hey, that's not trash talk...he'd agree! And while I'll kick myself when I'm having sleepless nights of feedings, then a toddler who won't stay in their bed, then a pre-teen who wants to sass me...it's better than being alone (especially if you don't want to be). But I'm sure all of my mom friends would agree. Despite, the stress having children brings, getting a hug from them, a smile, an "I love you mom" makes all that disappear, right?
I truly do wish everyone a Happy Mother's Day. Cherish and honor what you have and if you have time in your day, say a prayer for those of us who don't have that. May God provide us all the strength to make it through!
I recently found this blog post that was linked by Resolve.org on twitter. http://www.baptiststandard.com/index.php?option=com_content&task=view&id=13771&Itemid=9
The title on twitter said : Remember the infertile on Mother's Day. While everyone is celebrating with brunches, breakfast in bed, children promising to do chores, and receiving gifts (some bigger than others) I'll be making my own breakfast, cleaning my own house, and probably buying MYSELF something to make up for the fact that I don't have anyone to celebrate me on this day. I only get my birthday for that. Not that I'm being greedy and saying I want stuff. But more than anything, I want somene to call me a mom.
Ok, my dogs and cat know me as "mommy" so maybe that counts. And I do carry my little 17lb beagle/sheltie mix around like an infant and sing to her. Could be because I'm dilusional though. Maybe they could create a Dog-Mom holiday or just an "You're awesome" day. Then we can just celebrate anyone who is awesome, and quite frankly, I am! All kidding aside, this is going to be a sad weekend for me. Lots of extra working out to keep my endorphins going and my serotonin increasing.
I wonder if my husband feels this way on Father's Day? Maybe men don't get as emotional about it as women do. And afterall, I am the reason we can't have children, not him. So if anything, he should be mad at me that day. Heck, I'm mad at me. But seriously, Snooki gets to celebrate Mother's Day but I don't? I'm an actual productive member of society who doesn't get sloshed everyday and Jersey Turnpike for the cameras. Heck, I don't need alcohol or a camera to do that!
My sister wants me to come to her house on Mother's Day so we can make some fried chicken for our momma that day. I'll get to see my nieces and play and maybe I'll forget that I don't have my own kid joining in on the fun...but it's still going to be a struggle.
So I just ask, that while your kids are fighting with each other that day and you're pulling your hair out going "I just want a quiet Mother's Day", just remember that 10% of us have a quiet day everyday. But it's not the type of peaceful quiet you'd think. That only comes when you have satisfaction in your life. No, ours is a little more of a lonely quiet. While I enjoy sleeping in for now, eating when/want I want, not having anything to really do after work or on weekends, it's not as good as it sounds. With Ryan back at work, I'm home alone most nights and every weekend. I come home from work, eat some macaroni and cheese or something I picked up on the way, watch a few gossipy tv shows, try to play with my dogs (who don't really play back), and go to bed by myself. It's definitely better when Ryan is there to keep me company b/c he's essentially like a kid, hey, that's not trash talk...he'd agree! And while I'll kick myself when I'm having sleepless nights of feedings, then a toddler who won't stay in their bed, then a pre-teen who wants to sass me...it's better than being alone (especially if you don't want to be). But I'm sure all of my mom friends would agree. Despite, the stress having children brings, getting a hug from them, a smile, an "I love you mom" makes all that disappear, right?
I truly do wish everyone a Happy Mother's Day. Cherish and honor what you have and if you have time in your day, say a prayer for those of us who don't have that. May God provide us all the strength to make it through!
Monday, May 7, 2012
Here We Go, One More Time
And well...you know the rest of that NSync song :) Tomorrow morning I am going in for an ultrasound just to double-check everything is ok (and cough another initial payment of $300) and then I will begin another round of fertility treatments. I will be doing the same treatment as I did in April. Taking Femara days 3-7, ultrasound day 14 followed by HcG shot if it looks good and then using Crinone for 2 weeks. The nurse today stated that Dr. Reuter will allow me to do this treatment cycle for 3 times, so maybe number 2 will work???
I'm much less angry than I was the last time I posted. I have moments, today it's been a little depression. I feel like this month, I don't want to get my hopes up. I felt like I tried to do that last month, but you can't help but get your hopes up when it comes to this subject.
I have started doing Nia twice a week. I can't recall if I mentioned this in my other posts. It's workout class that is a mix of martial arts, dance arts, and yoga type moves. Twice a week for an hour and it really gets me sweating and my heart pumping. But it's not too intense, so I can still do it when I do get pregnant, which will be important for me to do.
At this point, I have been trying to imagine what a life without children would be like, as in, could I do it? I have an AMAZING marriage which I attribute to an amazing husband. I can't help but say that since our 3rd anniversary is on Wednesday :) My hubby has said time and time again that he knew we would struggle with having children, as I've known for years what my problems will be. And he says, that with or without kids...he's sticking by my side. How did I get so lucky? It really does make me feel better. And ask that becomes more and more of a likely reality, I try to imagine what our lives will be like. I guess it wouldn't be horrible, we'd probably be able to continue to have a nice life, with material objects, be able to continue traveling and of course we have nieces to keep us entertained in other areas. You might think it would sound drastic to think this way, but I'm a planner. I like to prepare myself for the worst case scenario, which would be no kids.
Anyways, before I get too Debbie Downer on myself, I will keep focused on the task at hand and taking care of my body for this round of treatment.
One thing I need to learn to do is eliminating stress. I have a relatively stressful job (depends on the day) but I think I need to learn ways to not let it get to my core and to let it roll off. It's hard when you're passionate about what you do, but I know I HAVE to do it to make this happen. The doctor has continuously lectured me on lessening my stressload. So forgive me if I seem less focused on talking to a lot of you. I'm a fixer, so if you come to me with your problems, I'm going to stress myself out and want to fix it. I have been taking a lot of time for myself, getting monthly massages to help reduce tension, have more quiet time at home when i'm alone (like no TV or music on). It's been really good for me to self-reflect.
I'll post later if the doc changes any course of treatment this month. Here's to round 2!
I'm much less angry than I was the last time I posted. I have moments, today it's been a little depression. I feel like this month, I don't want to get my hopes up. I felt like I tried to do that last month, but you can't help but get your hopes up when it comes to this subject.
I have started doing Nia twice a week. I can't recall if I mentioned this in my other posts. It's workout class that is a mix of martial arts, dance arts, and yoga type moves. Twice a week for an hour and it really gets me sweating and my heart pumping. But it's not too intense, so I can still do it when I do get pregnant, which will be important for me to do.
At this point, I have been trying to imagine what a life without children would be like, as in, could I do it? I have an AMAZING marriage which I attribute to an amazing husband. I can't help but say that since our 3rd anniversary is on Wednesday :) My hubby has said time and time again that he knew we would struggle with having children, as I've known for years what my problems will be. And he says, that with or without kids...he's sticking by my side. How did I get so lucky? It really does make me feel better. And ask that becomes more and more of a likely reality, I try to imagine what our lives will be like. I guess it wouldn't be horrible, we'd probably be able to continue to have a nice life, with material objects, be able to continue traveling and of course we have nieces to keep us entertained in other areas. You might think it would sound drastic to think this way, but I'm a planner. I like to prepare myself for the worst case scenario, which would be no kids.
Anyways, before I get too Debbie Downer on myself, I will keep focused on the task at hand and taking care of my body for this round of treatment.
One thing I need to learn to do is eliminating stress. I have a relatively stressful job (depends on the day) but I think I need to learn ways to not let it get to my core and to let it roll off. It's hard when you're passionate about what you do, but I know I HAVE to do it to make this happen. The doctor has continuously lectured me on lessening my stressload. So forgive me if I seem less focused on talking to a lot of you. I'm a fixer, so if you come to me with your problems, I'm going to stress myself out and want to fix it. I have been taking a lot of time for myself, getting monthly massages to help reduce tension, have more quiet time at home when i'm alone (like no TV or music on). It's been really good for me to self-reflect.
I'll post later if the doc changes any course of treatment this month. Here's to round 2!
Thursday, May 3, 2012
No Title for No Feelings
Today is a very sad day for me. I was to take a pregnancy test this morning to see if I conceived on this round of fertility treatments. Once again, it was a big giant negative...
Everytime I take one of those tests, wait 3 minutes, and go to look at the results anxiously only to see no line has appeared...a piece of my heart breaks more and more. It leaves me with less hope.
I've been very depressed today throughout work and am supposed to have dinner with friends tonight, but I'm just not feeling like doing anything but going straight to bed and laying in darkness. This may sound dramatic, but if you have never gone through this, then you don't understand. It's like when you check your bank account thinking you have $500 in there and realize you only have $200...ok, it's a lot worse than that...but you get my drift. I talked to just a couple of people about it, but it didn't really help. Writing is the only way I can do it right now, because it's just one of those days where I don't want to talk to anyone.
Someone said, well it was only your first month. It was only my first month with THIS doctor. Let's no forget, we've been trying for 3 years and I did 6 months of chlomid in the past.
Fertility treatments are so hard on your body, no matter what you're doing. There are hormones galore, not to mention all the time off work I have to take so I can go in, get ultrasounds, shots, etc...and of course the money! Of course I called the doctor today and told them and they said "call back when your cycle starts and then we'll have to do another ultrasound to make sure we can start you back on Femara". Ok, but I am supposed to take Femara days 3-7. So if I call on day 1 to go in for an ultrasound, I'm either going to have to quickly get in for the ultrasound and take my pills, or wait another month. And each ultrasound is $300 itself, I will have to have at least 2 ultrasounds during this round...plus shots, meds from the pharmacy, etc...
Can I do this again? I mean maybe I can do it again physically, but can I do it again financially? It seems like a giant waste of money when I spend thousands of dollars on something and it doesn't work. Maybe we need to take a harder look at adoption. My father is adopted, I'm not against it. Without it, I wouldn't be here. But everyone always wants their own child. It's even more expensive, but at least you get a baby in the end.
And I'm so over reading about everyone on facebook who is pregnant! I'm so tired of seeing "bump watches" celebrity style. I mean congratulations, but I'm bitter right now. And don't even get me started about Mother's Day...oh how I dread that day. At least I'm a fur mom.
Sorry for being so crabby today, but I have a right to be. Why is everyone else getting babies when it's safe to say, that some of those people may not deserve it as much? I know that's a horrible thing to say or think of, but it's true. Does Octomom really need 14 kids? I know she paid for them all...but still, God helped a little didn't He? Then why isn't He helping me?? I'm trying not to falter in my faith, but days like today I find it hard not to. I know it's a normal process to go through with those thoughts...but I do feel bad thinking that way.
Maybe just for like the next week I can block everyone that posts pictures of their babies, pregnant bellies, and are announcing pregnancies. Then I may feel better after that. Not to say that I don't love all of my friends and family that have children, but I am just feeling down. Out of sight, out of mind, right?
Time to go cry some more. Ugh.
Everytime I take one of those tests, wait 3 minutes, and go to look at the results anxiously only to see no line has appeared...a piece of my heart breaks more and more. It leaves me with less hope.
I've been very depressed today throughout work and am supposed to have dinner with friends tonight, but I'm just not feeling like doing anything but going straight to bed and laying in darkness. This may sound dramatic, but if you have never gone through this, then you don't understand. It's like when you check your bank account thinking you have $500 in there and realize you only have $200...ok, it's a lot worse than that...but you get my drift. I talked to just a couple of people about it, but it didn't really help. Writing is the only way I can do it right now, because it's just one of those days where I don't want to talk to anyone.
Someone said, well it was only your first month. It was only my first month with THIS doctor. Let's no forget, we've been trying for 3 years and I did 6 months of chlomid in the past.
Fertility treatments are so hard on your body, no matter what you're doing. There are hormones galore, not to mention all the time off work I have to take so I can go in, get ultrasounds, shots, etc...and of course the money! Of course I called the doctor today and told them and they said "call back when your cycle starts and then we'll have to do another ultrasound to make sure we can start you back on Femara". Ok, but I am supposed to take Femara days 3-7. So if I call on day 1 to go in for an ultrasound, I'm either going to have to quickly get in for the ultrasound and take my pills, or wait another month. And each ultrasound is $300 itself, I will have to have at least 2 ultrasounds during this round...plus shots, meds from the pharmacy, etc...
Can I do this again? I mean maybe I can do it again physically, but can I do it again financially? It seems like a giant waste of money when I spend thousands of dollars on something and it doesn't work. Maybe we need to take a harder look at adoption. My father is adopted, I'm not against it. Without it, I wouldn't be here. But everyone always wants their own child. It's even more expensive, but at least you get a baby in the end.
And I'm so over reading about everyone on facebook who is pregnant! I'm so tired of seeing "bump watches" celebrity style. I mean congratulations, but I'm bitter right now. And don't even get me started about Mother's Day...oh how I dread that day. At least I'm a fur mom.
Sorry for being so crabby today, but I have a right to be. Why is everyone else getting babies when it's safe to say, that some of those people may not deserve it as much? I know that's a horrible thing to say or think of, but it's true. Does Octomom really need 14 kids? I know she paid for them all...but still, God helped a little didn't He? Then why isn't He helping me?? I'm trying not to falter in my faith, but days like today I find it hard not to. I know it's a normal process to go through with those thoughts...but I do feel bad thinking that way.
Maybe just for like the next week I can block everyone that posts pictures of their babies, pregnant bellies, and are announcing pregnancies. Then I may feel better after that. Not to say that I don't love all of my friends and family that have children, but I am just feeling down. Out of sight, out of mind, right?
Time to go cry some more. Ugh.
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