Needing Faith

Well it's a bad day/week/month/year for me.  I stayed home sick not feeling well at all today.  I'm also very sad/depressed.  So I wonder if that makes me not feel well.  Maybe it's the Femara and other hormones wreaking havoc on my system, but even though I'm sitting here looking out at a bright and sunny backyard and 2 dogs happily rolling around, I'm sad. 

I thought maybe if I posted my thoughts today, it would make me feel better and make me get out, whatever it is that is bringing me down. 

Ever have those days?  Of course you do, everyone does.  I'm just SAD, always tired, just want to sleep.  See a psychiatrist?  Thanks, I do.  I have since I was a teenager.  I take a good amount of anti-depressants/anxiety medications.  Normally they work, but maybe the extra dose of estrogen kind of counters them. 

I wish I could post about all the reasons why I'm feeling sad, but although I love sharing with whoever is reading these posts, some of those reasons are just way too personal and I'd rather keep it to the infertility stuff.  But I am tired of throwing myself a pity party, I just wish I could buck up and move on.  But I can't.  I am having thoughts of whether or not I should keep going with this fertility stuff if it doesn't work this month, and while positivity is the best thing for me right now, I have none.  It's like I just feel it's not going to work, yet again, and then I will have wasted a ton more money.  Maybe I should start looking more into adoption.  Everyone assumes that a super easy decision to make "Just adopt Kira, there are so many kids out there".  I hear that more times than you could count.  And it's usually from people who had no problems with infertility and/or have children at this point.  Adoption is a grueling process in it's own right.  You don't just pay some attorney's fees and get a baby.  There are waiting periods, lots of heartbreak where mother's change their minds, everyone involved in the process will know way too much about your life.  And despite how it looks posting a blog, I'm a very private person.  If I wasn't, I'd be telling you all everything about me.  For the most part, if I think it will help someone, I will tell them about how I'm feeling, but if I feel there will be no reaction, then I'll definitely stonewall the topic. 

I think I write this, because I can't see any of you.  I can't see your reactions, and if you don't agree with what I'm writing, then thankfully none of you have said anything mean to me! 

But needless to say, I'm having a day of hopelessness.  I've been doing a lot of thinking about maybe just being a childless family.  But it's a hard decision to make as well.  While I know I'll have a good life either way (I mean I have a great job, a great education, awesome pets who act like kids, a good home and nice car) obviously I want what I can't have.  Then I think, do I really want a family or is that romantic thought of not being able to easily have it, so that's why I want it?   Either way, it doesn't matter at this point. 

Do I keep going with all this or do I cut my losses and say "I tried and it didn't work"?  One things for sure, I really could use a vacation back to Hawaii.  The doctor constantly tells me to reduce stress in my life, kind of hard to do when all of this crap has happened to us this year. 

Alright, I'm done for now.  Thanks for reading, sorry if I Debbie Downered you today!  Go outside and enjoy some sunshine!  And if you're reading this from Hawaii, splash in the ocean for me!