Wow, I can't believe it's been 4 months since I last posted. I can't say that much has changed. We're still a childless family and its still sad, but we're working through it. I can't pretend that all of this hasn't really affected me. I've been in weekly therapy for about a month after finally breaking down, but it is helping. My therapist feels I am going through a grief process between loss of potential life and the loss of an idea: family. I'm learning to express my feelings to her about it, but I've definitely reverted to keeping to myself on the topic. I'm sharing my thoughts tonight, simply because I can't sleep, but in general, I have not wanted to talk to anyone about it at all. At home, Ryan and I are moving past it and have started making plans for a life that doesn't include more than the 2 of us. Travel plans, moving, etc. we are still saving money in case we decide to adopt some day, but in therapy I've learned that I am not in a good position to adopt. I need to heal from the pain and loss I've been dealt, and right now throwing myself into the trying process of adoption would not be good. My heart's pretty fragile right now and that might set me over the edge. All these processes may look easy from the outside, but it's not.
The holidays are approaching and it's already a little tough. Walking in the stores seeing all the fun kid stuff to buy, "baby's first Christmas" ornaments, santas, etc. and of course it seems everyone is having a baby right now, has a baby, just got preggers. Geez. I try not to be upset about it, because that's great...but geez. Sorry a little negative tonight, that's what happens at 1:15am. I'd be interested to hear from other women my age who didn't have children (can't have children) and how they cope during the holidays. I love my nieces, but I refuse to overcompensate for what I don't have by buying them tons of gifts. I'm not going overboard, just the regular amount of gifts from an aunt. I plan on trying to find a family to donate some gifts to for Christmas.
My biggest complaint to people: just because I don't have kids, doesn't mean I'm at your beck and call, and don't have anything better to do. I keep myself very busy with various activities. Don't expect me to do everything for everyone else, I'm learning to say no. Don't expect me to be free every evening and weekend, and don't expect me to have so much free-time that I can do all of your favors. I understand that there is no harder job than being a mom, but that's not a chosen path for me, a given one. So cut me some slack. I do ask for sensitivity in the matter and ask for the same courtesies that you'd give any woman with a child. End of rant.
In more positive news, we're house hunting and I'm looking to join a gym!
Hug those babies tight,
Kira
