Wow, I can't believe it's been 4 months since I last posted. I can't say that much has changed. We're still a childless family and its still sad, but we're working through it. I can't pretend that all of this hasn't really affected me. I've been in weekly therapy for about a month after finally breaking down, but it is helping. My therapist feels I am going through a grief process between loss of potential life and the loss of an idea: family. I'm learning to express my feelings to her about it, but I've definitely reverted to keeping to myself on the topic. I'm sharing my thoughts tonight, simply because I can't sleep, but in general, I have not wanted to talk to anyone about it at all. At home, Ryan and I are moving past it and have started making plans for a life that doesn't include more than the 2 of us. Travel plans, moving, etc. we are still saving money in case we decide to adopt some day, but in therapy I've learned that I am not in a good position to adopt. I need to heal from the pain and loss I've been dealt, and right now throwing myself into the trying process of adoption would not be good. My heart's pretty fragile right now and that might set me over the edge. All these processes may look easy from the outside, but it's not.
The holidays are approaching and it's already a little tough. Walking in the stores seeing all the fun kid stuff to buy, "baby's first Christmas" ornaments, santas, etc. and of course it seems everyone is having a baby right now, has a baby, just got preggers. Geez. I try not to be upset about it, because that's great...but geez. Sorry a little negative tonight, that's what happens at 1:15am. I'd be interested to hear from other women my age who didn't have children (can't have children) and how they cope during the holidays. I love my nieces, but I refuse to overcompensate for what I don't have by buying them tons of gifts. I'm not going overboard, just the regular amount of gifts from an aunt. I plan on trying to find a family to donate some gifts to for Christmas.
My biggest complaint to people: just because I don't have kids, doesn't mean I'm at your beck and call, and don't have anything better to do. I keep myself very busy with various activities. Don't expect me to do everything for everyone else, I'm learning to say no. Don't expect me to be free every evening and weekend, and don't expect me to have so much free-time that I can do all of your favors. I understand that there is no harder job than being a mom, but that's not a chosen path for me, a given one. So cut me some slack. I do ask for sensitivity in the matter and ask for the same courtesies that you'd give any woman with a child. End of rant.
In more positive news, we're house hunting and I'm looking to join a gym!
Hug those babies tight,
Kira
Saturday, October 27, 2012
Monday, July 2, 2012
I'm baaaccckkk
Well, it's been since 5/16 since I last posted. I needed to take some time for myself to sort out my thoughts.
Well back on May 20th, I went in for an early morning ultrasound to see if I had developed follicles from my last round of treatment. I felt like the ultrasound tech didn't know what she was doing because she had the most difficult time ever trying to find my ovaries. When she finally did, she couldn't see any follicles. With that, it meant that I didn't even ovulate this round. My ultrasound was at 7am, so I left around 7:45am. It was a warm sunny morning so I went for a little drive with the windows down. I tried to call my husband but he was still asleep after getting off late the night before. I ended up at Dunkin Donuts and grabbed us a little breakfast and a giant iced coffee. Hey, I'm not going to be ovulating, so I might as well eat what I want. So I spent the day crying and being upset over what happened...heck I spent the past 6 weeks doing that.
The doctor called on Monday morning and said she wanted me to come in and have another ultrasound and see if any follicles developed and to try and figure out what happened between the last times and this time.
I declined to go back for another ultrasound. After a lot of soul-searching, I decided that my body and spirit had come to an impass and that is why I didn't ovulate. I was so mad. I mean, I didn't even get the opportunity to conceive this time. I hadn't failed at conception, I had plain failed at even the possibility.
I think at this point in life, I had to come to a realization. Either I was going to keep throwing away money, taking time off from work and other activities to keep going to these fertility appointments, or I can just stop...and live. I can't say that I've really gotten to the living part yet. I've been on a deep spiral of depression since May 20th. I've been working hard to overcome it, but I haven't yet, and I've decided that it's ok for me to feel that way. It's ok for me to be angry, it's ok for me to jealous, and it's ok for me to pout.
I took awhile to post anything b/c I was so upset that I didn't want this to become a giant pity party. Because I realize that while going through treatments, I was a hormonal mess of crazy. So sorry if anyone was upset that I hadn't posted, wondered what was going on, or if you don't care.
I can't say that there is any good news at this point. I'm not making this announcement, and then say but....
Simply put, we are done with fertility treatments. It drained our savings, my mind, my body, and mostly my heart. Most of you will say, well why not adopt? Well, have you ever adopted? And if so, did you have money? There is still a lot of cost involved with it. We have done a lot of research, talked to some people we needed to talk to. There is a ton of upfront cost and you can get some back after the adoption is final. There is also the lengthy waiting process. Am I saying we won't ever adopt? Nope. But is it the right time for us now? Nope.
I have to remind myself that I have a good life with or without children. I have a good job, a good husband, fur-kids, and stuff. And I'll continue to have a good life with or without it. I just have to figure out how to completely do that. And I will. So at this point, I'm trying not to sugar-coat it anymore. I'm no longer saying "if/when we have a kid". I'm just not mentioning it. It's harder now more than ever to see babies, seeing people post their pregnant pictures, etc... sadly, I've had to hide a lot of those people from my newsfeeds. Not that I'm not happy for them, but I have to put myself first right now. I have to heal.
I hope this to not be the end of our journey and to still post my thoughts on here.
Thank you for your support and I welcome any questions. I'm not really looking for suggestions to adoption or fertility right now though, just support.
Well back on May 20th, I went in for an early morning ultrasound to see if I had developed follicles from my last round of treatment. I felt like the ultrasound tech didn't know what she was doing because she had the most difficult time ever trying to find my ovaries. When she finally did, she couldn't see any follicles. With that, it meant that I didn't even ovulate this round. My ultrasound was at 7am, so I left around 7:45am. It was a warm sunny morning so I went for a little drive with the windows down. I tried to call my husband but he was still asleep after getting off late the night before. I ended up at Dunkin Donuts and grabbed us a little breakfast and a giant iced coffee. Hey, I'm not going to be ovulating, so I might as well eat what I want. So I spent the day crying and being upset over what happened...heck I spent the past 6 weeks doing that.
The doctor called on Monday morning and said she wanted me to come in and have another ultrasound and see if any follicles developed and to try and figure out what happened between the last times and this time.
I declined to go back for another ultrasound. After a lot of soul-searching, I decided that my body and spirit had come to an impass and that is why I didn't ovulate. I was so mad. I mean, I didn't even get the opportunity to conceive this time. I hadn't failed at conception, I had plain failed at even the possibility.
I think at this point in life, I had to come to a realization. Either I was going to keep throwing away money, taking time off from work and other activities to keep going to these fertility appointments, or I can just stop...and live. I can't say that I've really gotten to the living part yet. I've been on a deep spiral of depression since May 20th. I've been working hard to overcome it, but I haven't yet, and I've decided that it's ok for me to feel that way. It's ok for me to be angry, it's ok for me to jealous, and it's ok for me to pout.
I took awhile to post anything b/c I was so upset that I didn't want this to become a giant pity party. Because I realize that while going through treatments, I was a hormonal mess of crazy. So sorry if anyone was upset that I hadn't posted, wondered what was going on, or if you don't care.
I can't say that there is any good news at this point. I'm not making this announcement, and then say but....
Simply put, we are done with fertility treatments. It drained our savings, my mind, my body, and mostly my heart. Most of you will say, well why not adopt? Well, have you ever adopted? And if so, did you have money? There is still a lot of cost involved with it. We have done a lot of research, talked to some people we needed to talk to. There is a ton of upfront cost and you can get some back after the adoption is final. There is also the lengthy waiting process. Am I saying we won't ever adopt? Nope. But is it the right time for us now? Nope.
I have to remind myself that I have a good life with or without children. I have a good job, a good husband, fur-kids, and stuff. And I'll continue to have a good life with or without it. I just have to figure out how to completely do that. And I will. So at this point, I'm trying not to sugar-coat it anymore. I'm no longer saying "if/when we have a kid". I'm just not mentioning it. It's harder now more than ever to see babies, seeing people post their pregnant pictures, etc... sadly, I've had to hide a lot of those people from my newsfeeds. Not that I'm not happy for them, but I have to put myself first right now. I have to heal.
I hope this to not be the end of our journey and to still post my thoughts on here.
Thank you for your support and I welcome any questions. I'm not really looking for suggestions to adoption or fertility right now though, just support.
Wednesday, May 16, 2012
Needing Faith
Well it's a bad day/week/month/year for me. I stayed home sick not feeling well at all today. I'm also very sad/depressed. So I wonder if that makes me not feel well. Maybe it's the Femara and other hormones wreaking havoc on my system, but even though I'm sitting here looking out at a bright and sunny backyard and 2 dogs happily rolling around, I'm sad.
I thought maybe if I posted my thoughts today, it would make me feel better and make me get out, whatever it is that is bringing me down.
Ever have those days? Of course you do, everyone does. I'm just SAD, always tired, just want to sleep. See a psychiatrist? Thanks, I do. I have since I was a teenager. I take a good amount of anti-depressants/anxiety medications. Normally they work, but maybe the extra dose of estrogen kind of counters them.
I wish I could post about all the reasons why I'm feeling sad, but although I love sharing with whoever is reading these posts, some of those reasons are just way too personal and I'd rather keep it to the infertility stuff. But I am tired of throwing myself a pity party, I just wish I could buck up and move on. But I can't. I am having thoughts of whether or not I should keep going with this fertility stuff if it doesn't work this month, and while positivity is the best thing for me right now, I have none. It's like I just feel it's not going to work, yet again, and then I will have wasted a ton more money. Maybe I should start looking more into adoption. Everyone assumes that a super easy decision to make "Just adopt Kira, there are so many kids out there". I hear that more times than you could count. And it's usually from people who had no problems with infertility and/or have children at this point. Adoption is a grueling process in it's own right. You don't just pay some attorney's fees and get a baby. There are waiting periods, lots of heartbreak where mother's change their minds, everyone involved in the process will know way too much about your life. And despite how it looks posting a blog, I'm a very private person. If I wasn't, I'd be telling you all everything about me. For the most part, if I think it will help someone, I will tell them about how I'm feeling, but if I feel there will be no reaction, then I'll definitely stonewall the topic.
I think I write this, because I can't see any of you. I can't see your reactions, and if you don't agree with what I'm writing, then thankfully none of you have said anything mean to me!
But needless to say, I'm having a day of hopelessness. I've been doing a lot of thinking about maybe just being a childless family. But it's a hard decision to make as well. While I know I'll have a good life either way (I mean I have a great job, a great education, awesome pets who act like kids, a good home and nice car) obviously I want what I can't have. Then I think, do I really want a family or is that romantic thought of not being able to easily have it, so that's why I want it? Either way, it doesn't matter at this point.
Do I keep going with all this or do I cut my losses and say "I tried and it didn't work"? One things for sure, I really could use a vacation back to Hawaii. The doctor constantly tells me to reduce stress in my life, kind of hard to do when all of this crap has happened to us this year.
Alright, I'm done for now. Thanks for reading, sorry if I Debbie Downered you today! Go outside and enjoy some sunshine! And if you're reading this from Hawaii, splash in the ocean for me!
I thought maybe if I posted my thoughts today, it would make me feel better and make me get out, whatever it is that is bringing me down.
Ever have those days? Of course you do, everyone does. I'm just SAD, always tired, just want to sleep. See a psychiatrist? Thanks, I do. I have since I was a teenager. I take a good amount of anti-depressants/anxiety medications. Normally they work, but maybe the extra dose of estrogen kind of counters them.
I wish I could post about all the reasons why I'm feeling sad, but although I love sharing with whoever is reading these posts, some of those reasons are just way too personal and I'd rather keep it to the infertility stuff. But I am tired of throwing myself a pity party, I just wish I could buck up and move on. But I can't. I am having thoughts of whether or not I should keep going with this fertility stuff if it doesn't work this month, and while positivity is the best thing for me right now, I have none. It's like I just feel it's not going to work, yet again, and then I will have wasted a ton more money. Maybe I should start looking more into adoption. Everyone assumes that a super easy decision to make "Just adopt Kira, there are so many kids out there". I hear that more times than you could count. And it's usually from people who had no problems with infertility and/or have children at this point. Adoption is a grueling process in it's own right. You don't just pay some attorney's fees and get a baby. There are waiting periods, lots of heartbreak where mother's change their minds, everyone involved in the process will know way too much about your life. And despite how it looks posting a blog, I'm a very private person. If I wasn't, I'd be telling you all everything about me. For the most part, if I think it will help someone, I will tell them about how I'm feeling, but if I feel there will be no reaction, then I'll definitely stonewall the topic.
I think I write this, because I can't see any of you. I can't see your reactions, and if you don't agree with what I'm writing, then thankfully none of you have said anything mean to me!
But needless to say, I'm having a day of hopelessness. I've been doing a lot of thinking about maybe just being a childless family. But it's a hard decision to make as well. While I know I'll have a good life either way (I mean I have a great job, a great education, awesome pets who act like kids, a good home and nice car) obviously I want what I can't have. Then I think, do I really want a family or is that romantic thought of not being able to easily have it, so that's why I want it? Either way, it doesn't matter at this point.
Do I keep going with all this or do I cut my losses and say "I tried and it didn't work"? One things for sure, I really could use a vacation back to Hawaii. The doctor constantly tells me to reduce stress in my life, kind of hard to do when all of this crap has happened to us this year.
Alright, I'm done for now. Thanks for reading, sorry if I Debbie Downered you today! Go outside and enjoy some sunshine! And if you're reading this from Hawaii, splash in the ocean for me!
Friday, May 11, 2012
Happy Non-Mother's Day???
Well, let's address the elephant in the room. Sunday is Mother's Day and I'm not a Mother, but wish I was. It'd be different if I wasn't wanting to have a family, it'd be just another Sunday but one where I could spend time with the family, give my mom some flowers and be done. But nope, instead it's a day that I'll yet be able to celebrate, if ever.
I recently found this blog post that was linked by Resolve.org on twitter. http://www.baptiststandard.com/index.php?option=com_content&task=view&id=13771&Itemid=9
The title on twitter said : Remember the infertile on Mother's Day. While everyone is celebrating with brunches, breakfast in bed, children promising to do chores, and receiving gifts (some bigger than others) I'll be making my own breakfast, cleaning my own house, and probably buying MYSELF something to make up for the fact that I don't have anyone to celebrate me on this day. I only get my birthday for that. Not that I'm being greedy and saying I want stuff. But more than anything, I want somene to call me a mom.
Ok, my dogs and cat know me as "mommy" so maybe that counts. And I do carry my little 17lb beagle/sheltie mix around like an infant and sing to her. Could be because I'm dilusional though. Maybe they could create a Dog-Mom holiday or just an "You're awesome" day. Then we can just celebrate anyone who is awesome, and quite frankly, I am! All kidding aside, this is going to be a sad weekend for me. Lots of extra working out to keep my endorphins going and my serotonin increasing.
I wonder if my husband feels this way on Father's Day? Maybe men don't get as emotional about it as women do. And afterall, I am the reason we can't have children, not him. So if anything, he should be mad at me that day. Heck, I'm mad at me. But seriously, Snooki gets to celebrate Mother's Day but I don't? I'm an actual productive member of society who doesn't get sloshed everyday and Jersey Turnpike for the cameras. Heck, I don't need alcohol or a camera to do that!
My sister wants me to come to her house on Mother's Day so we can make some fried chicken for our momma that day. I'll get to see my nieces and play and maybe I'll forget that I don't have my own kid joining in on the fun...but it's still going to be a struggle.
So I just ask, that while your kids are fighting with each other that day and you're pulling your hair out going "I just want a quiet Mother's Day", just remember that 10% of us have a quiet day everyday. But it's not the type of peaceful quiet you'd think. That only comes when you have satisfaction in your life. No, ours is a little more of a lonely quiet. While I enjoy sleeping in for now, eating when/want I want, not having anything to really do after work or on weekends, it's not as good as it sounds. With Ryan back at work, I'm home alone most nights and every weekend. I come home from work, eat some macaroni and cheese or something I picked up on the way, watch a few gossipy tv shows, try to play with my dogs (who don't really play back), and go to bed by myself. It's definitely better when Ryan is there to keep me company b/c he's essentially like a kid, hey, that's not trash talk...he'd agree! And while I'll kick myself when I'm having sleepless nights of feedings, then a toddler who won't stay in their bed, then a pre-teen who wants to sass me...it's better than being alone (especially if you don't want to be). But I'm sure all of my mom friends would agree. Despite, the stress having children brings, getting a hug from them, a smile, an "I love you mom" makes all that disappear, right?
I truly do wish everyone a Happy Mother's Day. Cherish and honor what you have and if you have time in your day, say a prayer for those of us who don't have that. May God provide us all the strength to make it through!
I recently found this blog post that was linked by Resolve.org on twitter. http://www.baptiststandard.com/index.php?option=com_content&task=view&id=13771&Itemid=9
The title on twitter said : Remember the infertile on Mother's Day. While everyone is celebrating with brunches, breakfast in bed, children promising to do chores, and receiving gifts (some bigger than others) I'll be making my own breakfast, cleaning my own house, and probably buying MYSELF something to make up for the fact that I don't have anyone to celebrate me on this day. I only get my birthday for that. Not that I'm being greedy and saying I want stuff. But more than anything, I want somene to call me a mom.
Ok, my dogs and cat know me as "mommy" so maybe that counts. And I do carry my little 17lb beagle/sheltie mix around like an infant and sing to her. Could be because I'm dilusional though. Maybe they could create a Dog-Mom holiday or just an "You're awesome" day. Then we can just celebrate anyone who is awesome, and quite frankly, I am! All kidding aside, this is going to be a sad weekend for me. Lots of extra working out to keep my endorphins going and my serotonin increasing.
I wonder if my husband feels this way on Father's Day? Maybe men don't get as emotional about it as women do. And afterall, I am the reason we can't have children, not him. So if anything, he should be mad at me that day. Heck, I'm mad at me. But seriously, Snooki gets to celebrate Mother's Day but I don't? I'm an actual productive member of society who doesn't get sloshed everyday and Jersey Turnpike for the cameras. Heck, I don't need alcohol or a camera to do that!
My sister wants me to come to her house on Mother's Day so we can make some fried chicken for our momma that day. I'll get to see my nieces and play and maybe I'll forget that I don't have my own kid joining in on the fun...but it's still going to be a struggle.
So I just ask, that while your kids are fighting with each other that day and you're pulling your hair out going "I just want a quiet Mother's Day", just remember that 10% of us have a quiet day everyday. But it's not the type of peaceful quiet you'd think. That only comes when you have satisfaction in your life. No, ours is a little more of a lonely quiet. While I enjoy sleeping in for now, eating when/want I want, not having anything to really do after work or on weekends, it's not as good as it sounds. With Ryan back at work, I'm home alone most nights and every weekend. I come home from work, eat some macaroni and cheese or something I picked up on the way, watch a few gossipy tv shows, try to play with my dogs (who don't really play back), and go to bed by myself. It's definitely better when Ryan is there to keep me company b/c he's essentially like a kid, hey, that's not trash talk...he'd agree! And while I'll kick myself when I'm having sleepless nights of feedings, then a toddler who won't stay in their bed, then a pre-teen who wants to sass me...it's better than being alone (especially if you don't want to be). But I'm sure all of my mom friends would agree. Despite, the stress having children brings, getting a hug from them, a smile, an "I love you mom" makes all that disappear, right?
I truly do wish everyone a Happy Mother's Day. Cherish and honor what you have and if you have time in your day, say a prayer for those of us who don't have that. May God provide us all the strength to make it through!
Monday, May 7, 2012
Here We Go, One More Time
And well...you know the rest of that NSync song :) Tomorrow morning I am going in for an ultrasound just to double-check everything is ok (and cough another initial payment of $300) and then I will begin another round of fertility treatments. I will be doing the same treatment as I did in April. Taking Femara days 3-7, ultrasound day 14 followed by HcG shot if it looks good and then using Crinone for 2 weeks. The nurse today stated that Dr. Reuter will allow me to do this treatment cycle for 3 times, so maybe number 2 will work???
I'm much less angry than I was the last time I posted. I have moments, today it's been a little depression. I feel like this month, I don't want to get my hopes up. I felt like I tried to do that last month, but you can't help but get your hopes up when it comes to this subject.
I have started doing Nia twice a week. I can't recall if I mentioned this in my other posts. It's workout class that is a mix of martial arts, dance arts, and yoga type moves. Twice a week for an hour and it really gets me sweating and my heart pumping. But it's not too intense, so I can still do it when I do get pregnant, which will be important for me to do.
At this point, I have been trying to imagine what a life without children would be like, as in, could I do it? I have an AMAZING marriage which I attribute to an amazing husband. I can't help but say that since our 3rd anniversary is on Wednesday :) My hubby has said time and time again that he knew we would struggle with having children, as I've known for years what my problems will be. And he says, that with or without kids...he's sticking by my side. How did I get so lucky? It really does make me feel better. And ask that becomes more and more of a likely reality, I try to imagine what our lives will be like. I guess it wouldn't be horrible, we'd probably be able to continue to have a nice life, with material objects, be able to continue traveling and of course we have nieces to keep us entertained in other areas. You might think it would sound drastic to think this way, but I'm a planner. I like to prepare myself for the worst case scenario, which would be no kids.
Anyways, before I get too Debbie Downer on myself, I will keep focused on the task at hand and taking care of my body for this round of treatment.
One thing I need to learn to do is eliminating stress. I have a relatively stressful job (depends on the day) but I think I need to learn ways to not let it get to my core and to let it roll off. It's hard when you're passionate about what you do, but I know I HAVE to do it to make this happen. The doctor has continuously lectured me on lessening my stressload. So forgive me if I seem less focused on talking to a lot of you. I'm a fixer, so if you come to me with your problems, I'm going to stress myself out and want to fix it. I have been taking a lot of time for myself, getting monthly massages to help reduce tension, have more quiet time at home when i'm alone (like no TV or music on). It's been really good for me to self-reflect.
I'll post later if the doc changes any course of treatment this month. Here's to round 2!
I'm much less angry than I was the last time I posted. I have moments, today it's been a little depression. I feel like this month, I don't want to get my hopes up. I felt like I tried to do that last month, but you can't help but get your hopes up when it comes to this subject.
I have started doing Nia twice a week. I can't recall if I mentioned this in my other posts. It's workout class that is a mix of martial arts, dance arts, and yoga type moves. Twice a week for an hour and it really gets me sweating and my heart pumping. But it's not too intense, so I can still do it when I do get pregnant, which will be important for me to do.
At this point, I have been trying to imagine what a life without children would be like, as in, could I do it? I have an AMAZING marriage which I attribute to an amazing husband. I can't help but say that since our 3rd anniversary is on Wednesday :) My hubby has said time and time again that he knew we would struggle with having children, as I've known for years what my problems will be. And he says, that with or without kids...he's sticking by my side. How did I get so lucky? It really does make me feel better. And ask that becomes more and more of a likely reality, I try to imagine what our lives will be like. I guess it wouldn't be horrible, we'd probably be able to continue to have a nice life, with material objects, be able to continue traveling and of course we have nieces to keep us entertained in other areas. You might think it would sound drastic to think this way, but I'm a planner. I like to prepare myself for the worst case scenario, which would be no kids.
Anyways, before I get too Debbie Downer on myself, I will keep focused on the task at hand and taking care of my body for this round of treatment.
One thing I need to learn to do is eliminating stress. I have a relatively stressful job (depends on the day) but I think I need to learn ways to not let it get to my core and to let it roll off. It's hard when you're passionate about what you do, but I know I HAVE to do it to make this happen. The doctor has continuously lectured me on lessening my stressload. So forgive me if I seem less focused on talking to a lot of you. I'm a fixer, so if you come to me with your problems, I'm going to stress myself out and want to fix it. I have been taking a lot of time for myself, getting monthly massages to help reduce tension, have more quiet time at home when i'm alone (like no TV or music on). It's been really good for me to self-reflect.
I'll post later if the doc changes any course of treatment this month. Here's to round 2!
Thursday, May 3, 2012
No Title for No Feelings
Today is a very sad day for me. I was to take a pregnancy test this morning to see if I conceived on this round of fertility treatments. Once again, it was a big giant negative...
Everytime I take one of those tests, wait 3 minutes, and go to look at the results anxiously only to see no line has appeared...a piece of my heart breaks more and more. It leaves me with less hope.
I've been very depressed today throughout work and am supposed to have dinner with friends tonight, but I'm just not feeling like doing anything but going straight to bed and laying in darkness. This may sound dramatic, but if you have never gone through this, then you don't understand. It's like when you check your bank account thinking you have $500 in there and realize you only have $200...ok, it's a lot worse than that...but you get my drift. I talked to just a couple of people about it, but it didn't really help. Writing is the only way I can do it right now, because it's just one of those days where I don't want to talk to anyone.
Someone said, well it was only your first month. It was only my first month with THIS doctor. Let's no forget, we've been trying for 3 years and I did 6 months of chlomid in the past.
Fertility treatments are so hard on your body, no matter what you're doing. There are hormones galore, not to mention all the time off work I have to take so I can go in, get ultrasounds, shots, etc...and of course the money! Of course I called the doctor today and told them and they said "call back when your cycle starts and then we'll have to do another ultrasound to make sure we can start you back on Femara". Ok, but I am supposed to take Femara days 3-7. So if I call on day 1 to go in for an ultrasound, I'm either going to have to quickly get in for the ultrasound and take my pills, or wait another month. And each ultrasound is $300 itself, I will have to have at least 2 ultrasounds during this round...plus shots, meds from the pharmacy, etc...
Can I do this again? I mean maybe I can do it again physically, but can I do it again financially? It seems like a giant waste of money when I spend thousands of dollars on something and it doesn't work. Maybe we need to take a harder look at adoption. My father is adopted, I'm not against it. Without it, I wouldn't be here. But everyone always wants their own child. It's even more expensive, but at least you get a baby in the end.
And I'm so over reading about everyone on facebook who is pregnant! I'm so tired of seeing "bump watches" celebrity style. I mean congratulations, but I'm bitter right now. And don't even get me started about Mother's Day...oh how I dread that day. At least I'm a fur mom.
Sorry for being so crabby today, but I have a right to be. Why is everyone else getting babies when it's safe to say, that some of those people may not deserve it as much? I know that's a horrible thing to say or think of, but it's true. Does Octomom really need 14 kids? I know she paid for them all...but still, God helped a little didn't He? Then why isn't He helping me?? I'm trying not to falter in my faith, but days like today I find it hard not to. I know it's a normal process to go through with those thoughts...but I do feel bad thinking that way.
Maybe just for like the next week I can block everyone that posts pictures of their babies, pregnant bellies, and are announcing pregnancies. Then I may feel better after that. Not to say that I don't love all of my friends and family that have children, but I am just feeling down. Out of sight, out of mind, right?
Time to go cry some more. Ugh.
Everytime I take one of those tests, wait 3 minutes, and go to look at the results anxiously only to see no line has appeared...a piece of my heart breaks more and more. It leaves me with less hope.
I've been very depressed today throughout work and am supposed to have dinner with friends tonight, but I'm just not feeling like doing anything but going straight to bed and laying in darkness. This may sound dramatic, but if you have never gone through this, then you don't understand. It's like when you check your bank account thinking you have $500 in there and realize you only have $200...ok, it's a lot worse than that...but you get my drift. I talked to just a couple of people about it, but it didn't really help. Writing is the only way I can do it right now, because it's just one of those days where I don't want to talk to anyone.
Someone said, well it was only your first month. It was only my first month with THIS doctor. Let's no forget, we've been trying for 3 years and I did 6 months of chlomid in the past.
Fertility treatments are so hard on your body, no matter what you're doing. There are hormones galore, not to mention all the time off work I have to take so I can go in, get ultrasounds, shots, etc...and of course the money! Of course I called the doctor today and told them and they said "call back when your cycle starts and then we'll have to do another ultrasound to make sure we can start you back on Femara". Ok, but I am supposed to take Femara days 3-7. So if I call on day 1 to go in for an ultrasound, I'm either going to have to quickly get in for the ultrasound and take my pills, or wait another month. And each ultrasound is $300 itself, I will have to have at least 2 ultrasounds during this round...plus shots, meds from the pharmacy, etc...
Can I do this again? I mean maybe I can do it again physically, but can I do it again financially? It seems like a giant waste of money when I spend thousands of dollars on something and it doesn't work. Maybe we need to take a harder look at adoption. My father is adopted, I'm not against it. Without it, I wouldn't be here. But everyone always wants their own child. It's even more expensive, but at least you get a baby in the end.
And I'm so over reading about everyone on facebook who is pregnant! I'm so tired of seeing "bump watches" celebrity style. I mean congratulations, but I'm bitter right now. And don't even get me started about Mother's Day...oh how I dread that day. At least I'm a fur mom.
Sorry for being so crabby today, but I have a right to be. Why is everyone else getting babies when it's safe to say, that some of those people may not deserve it as much? I know that's a horrible thing to say or think of, but it's true. Does Octomom really need 14 kids? I know she paid for them all...but still, God helped a little didn't He? Then why isn't He helping me?? I'm trying not to falter in my faith, but days like today I find it hard not to. I know it's a normal process to go through with those thoughts...but I do feel bad thinking that way.
Maybe just for like the next week I can block everyone that posts pictures of their babies, pregnant bellies, and are announcing pregnancies. Then I may feel better after that. Not to say that I don't love all of my friends and family that have children, but I am just feeling down. Out of sight, out of mind, right?
Time to go cry some more. Ugh.
Tuesday, April 24, 2012
Support
I know I've said this a million times already, but I can't thank everyone enough for the support we have received! In the 3 weeks I have had this blog posted, I have had over 500 hits! It really warms my heart because that's a ton of people reading about infertility and sharing their stories with me.
Tonight my husband and I attended the Fertility and Family Building Fair in Carmel and got a lot of valuable information and resources. I got 2 different books for free and I can't wait to read them!
We also attended a very informative session with Pete the Planner. He talked a lot about financial planning for starting a family whether or not you're going through fertility treatments. But he really talked about the importance of setting goals with it and how to avoid going into an immense amount of debt with some simple saving tips. We learned in what areas of our lives we can cut corners and if we do need to finance, what the best options are for that. He also talked about the importance of "scrapping" and finding little ways to make more money like having a garage sale or selling things on eBay. We have already been doing some of that. Ryan has been mowing a lot of yards and we put that money in our little fertility fund and we have also been selling some things on eBay that we had laying around since it hasn't been nice enough for a yard sale yet (and we work conflicting schedules to be able to sit outside all day on weekends).
One thing that really hit home that Pete said was that he asked us, how many people have been offering support to you and you don't know what to say? I raised my hand b/c so many of you have said "i support you, let me know if there's anything I can do". And I usually ask for prayers, which I still believe nothing is greater than. But I finally figured out what resource I have that people can use to physically support our journey.
I would and will not ever ask for donations, to borrow money from people or anything like that. But while we were sitting there and Pete said "tell them they can support you by providing you financial assistance in some way". Ryan typed a text msg to me that just said Thirty-One. Of course! I have been selling Thirty-One products since August and have been pretty good at it, but this year I hit a slump and with all the stress I've been under, I just kind of stopped trying as hard. Pete said that the goal is to raise and earn money, not to borrow money.
So I guess what I'm doing, is reaching out to all the people who have hit this page over 500 times to consider helping me expand my Thirty-One business, thereby helping me to add more income and resources into my fertility savings.
Fertility treatments cost 10s of thousands of dollars. Ryan and I don't know how far we will have to go in this process, but while we're at it, we might as well save a lot. We have already invested and spent a great deal of money on it, to this point. If at some point we conceive and don't need the funds, we can use it for supplies for our new child or put it into a savings account for our child.
What I want to do is take the time to tell you my Thirty-One "Why" as we call it. Thirty-One is a faith-based company founded on the concept of proverbs 31. The Proverbs 31 woman was the wife of a city elder (verse 23) and a respected figure in her own right (verse 31). Some of her many responsibilities included buying and selling merchandise. You can find the entire proverb here: http://www.esvbible.org/Proverbs+31/ but it describes the virtuous woman who does what she needs to do to help provide for her family and be an ideal wife. And that is what I am doing. Trying to be an ideal wife by creating a family for myself and my husband and doing what I need to do (selling Thirty-One aside from a full-time job in the court system/addictions) in order to provide!
I decided last year to become a consultant for Thirty-One to help save for fertility treatments. So far the money has helped, but as I have lost focus of my task here, I've also lost some potential income.
Now I'm not begging or asking anyone to spend money on things they don't need. I happen to love the products myself and use them daily. I think they are practical. But above all, I love what the company stands for. I receive a commission on products I sell and that commission goes straight to helping my fertility costs.
So my dearest friends and family, while you may have seen my many posts on twitter or facebook about specials, it's really not to spam you, but to help my future and help "fund a family" so to speak.
So for those of you who have offered support and have asked how you can help, you can definitely help me by hosting a party. You can have some friends over or do a catalog party. You, yourself, are under no obligation to buy anything as the hostess as you will receive free products depending on the amount of sales your party achieves. But you will also be offered specials and half price items. And while you earn those free products, you will greatly be helping me. If you can't have a party, consider purchasing some products from me the next time you catch yourself remembering that you need a new lunch box or need to buy a baby shower gift, graduation gift, or wedding gift. I will be gratefully indebted to you and will in turn continue to keep you updated on our fertility process. I would never ask for money directly, make me earn it!
I hope this blog did not offend anyone and that I will not lose any followers. But Pete really inspired me with his words about not being to proud to ask people to help support you in the way you feel you need to be supported.
I will leave this post at this: If you want to know more about Thirty One products, you can email me at rkthomas99@gmail.com if you'd like to view an online catalog or order you can look at my website at www.mythirtyone.com/kirathomas i am willing to travel to all over central Indiana, especially b/c I'll get to see my wonderful friends and supporters!
Much love,
Kira
Tonight my husband and I attended the Fertility and Family Building Fair in Carmel and got a lot of valuable information and resources. I got 2 different books for free and I can't wait to read them!
We also attended a very informative session with Pete the Planner. He talked a lot about financial planning for starting a family whether or not you're going through fertility treatments. But he really talked about the importance of setting goals with it and how to avoid going into an immense amount of debt with some simple saving tips. We learned in what areas of our lives we can cut corners and if we do need to finance, what the best options are for that. He also talked about the importance of "scrapping" and finding little ways to make more money like having a garage sale or selling things on eBay. We have already been doing some of that. Ryan has been mowing a lot of yards and we put that money in our little fertility fund and we have also been selling some things on eBay that we had laying around since it hasn't been nice enough for a yard sale yet (and we work conflicting schedules to be able to sit outside all day on weekends).
One thing that really hit home that Pete said was that he asked us, how many people have been offering support to you and you don't know what to say? I raised my hand b/c so many of you have said "i support you, let me know if there's anything I can do". And I usually ask for prayers, which I still believe nothing is greater than. But I finally figured out what resource I have that people can use to physically support our journey.
I would and will not ever ask for donations, to borrow money from people or anything like that. But while we were sitting there and Pete said "tell them they can support you by providing you financial assistance in some way". Ryan typed a text msg to me that just said Thirty-One. Of course! I have been selling Thirty-One products since August and have been pretty good at it, but this year I hit a slump and with all the stress I've been under, I just kind of stopped trying as hard. Pete said that the goal is to raise and earn money, not to borrow money.
So I guess what I'm doing, is reaching out to all the people who have hit this page over 500 times to consider helping me expand my Thirty-One business, thereby helping me to add more income and resources into my fertility savings.
Fertility treatments cost 10s of thousands of dollars. Ryan and I don't know how far we will have to go in this process, but while we're at it, we might as well save a lot. We have already invested and spent a great deal of money on it, to this point. If at some point we conceive and don't need the funds, we can use it for supplies for our new child or put it into a savings account for our child.
What I want to do is take the time to tell you my Thirty-One "Why" as we call it. Thirty-One is a faith-based company founded on the concept of proverbs 31. The Proverbs 31 woman was the wife of a city elder (verse 23) and a respected figure in her own right (verse 31). Some of her many responsibilities included buying and selling merchandise. You can find the entire proverb here: http://www.esvbible.org/Proverbs+31/ but it describes the virtuous woman who does what she needs to do to help provide for her family and be an ideal wife. And that is what I am doing. Trying to be an ideal wife by creating a family for myself and my husband and doing what I need to do (selling Thirty-One aside from a full-time job in the court system/addictions) in order to provide!
I decided last year to become a consultant for Thirty-One to help save for fertility treatments. So far the money has helped, but as I have lost focus of my task here, I've also lost some potential income.
Now I'm not begging or asking anyone to spend money on things they don't need. I happen to love the products myself and use them daily. I think they are practical. But above all, I love what the company stands for. I receive a commission on products I sell and that commission goes straight to helping my fertility costs.
So my dearest friends and family, while you may have seen my many posts on twitter or facebook about specials, it's really not to spam you, but to help my future and help "fund a family" so to speak.
So for those of you who have offered support and have asked how you can help, you can definitely help me by hosting a party. You can have some friends over or do a catalog party. You, yourself, are under no obligation to buy anything as the hostess as you will receive free products depending on the amount of sales your party achieves. But you will also be offered specials and half price items. And while you earn those free products, you will greatly be helping me. If you can't have a party, consider purchasing some products from me the next time you catch yourself remembering that you need a new lunch box or need to buy a baby shower gift, graduation gift, or wedding gift. I will be gratefully indebted to you and will in turn continue to keep you updated on our fertility process. I would never ask for money directly, make me earn it!
I hope this blog did not offend anyone and that I will not lose any followers. But Pete really inspired me with his words about not being to proud to ask people to help support you in the way you feel you need to be supported.
I will leave this post at this: If you want to know more about Thirty One products, you can email me at rkthomas99@gmail.com if you'd like to view an online catalog or order you can look at my website at www.mythirtyone.com/kirathomas i am willing to travel to all over central Indiana, especially b/c I'll get to see my wonderful friends and supporters!
Much love,
Kira
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