Ain't Got No Money Honey

It's been a few days since my last post.  Today I'm feeling especially bummed out. But I'll get to that in a minute.

Had my HSG last Thursday it was painful but quick.  I definitely passed out because I'm a giant wuss.  After the muffled sound from my ears went away, I understood that the doctor said that everything looked good.  No blockages and uterus was the correct shape.  So she sent me on my merry way.  I will spare you the details but lets just say it was a little messy...yikes!  I hurt for the rest of the day.  I don't really get bad cramps but don't tolerate much pain...so it was like the worst cramps I've ever had.  I spent the rest of the day laying in the recliner, trying not to move too much.  Everything was sensitive and I was cranky!  I went back to work the next day and still hurt, but not as bad.  Getting up and down from my desk was painful but I got over it and medicated with buffalo wings and egg rolls for dinner!

Over the weekend I had a few experiences and shared my story with a few people that I'm not sure read my blog.  I guess I've learned that people will either listen or not and that's their choice.  I don't think I'm going to offer up anymore help though unless someone asks me.  Because, going through this, the worse thing that can happen is that you start to share your story or talk about it, and people don't respond or worse, don't care.  It's a sensitive subject, so if someone talks about it, you should be receptive of what their saying.  But, live and learn I guess!

I have been amazed at the support we've received and it seems like EVERYONE is talking about infertility now.  It's so wonderful to hear.  On twitter last night, me and some followers talked a lot about the fertility fair coming up next week and getting the word out.  I was amazed to see that so many followers have gone through fertility or are supporter of infertility awareness.  Like I said before, if you don't talk about it, you don't who else has gone through it.  And it is so sensitive that people keep it to themselves.  But we need to not be afraid of judgment! 

A couple of things I've been feeling lately:  people who I know that are becoming pregnant easily.  I just feel angery sometimes and I hate that.  I should be happy for everyone, but I'm not.  And sometimes in my career I see people who have children and feel like I deserve it more than they do.  But then I remind myself...who am I to judge who should have a child?  I try to keep a strong faith with all of it, but sometimes I ask God WHY?  Why me? 

This brings me to why I've been so bummed out today.  My husband lost his job the last week of March.  Although he has been offered and accepted another employment offer, he hasn't started, which means we have no income from him.  We made about the same amount, so now our income is roughly half of what it was.  Like most people, we don't have a ton of savings, have some debts, have a home etc... and everything we have is made to fit that 2-income household.  When we decided to go to this fertility specialist he was still employed and we knew we'd "make it work".  Now that term is bringing on a whole new meaning.  His unemployment is still pending and can take up to 21 business days.  And whenever he does start working, we'll probably have to wait until 4 weeks for that check to come in.  We decided to go through with our fertility stuff because we felt like having a family was forever, but a job is just temporary.  I've already waited long enough for a child.  Why do I have to wait longer just b/c those A holes fired my wonderful husband?!  I refuse to let someone other than myself and my husband determine our path.  So we're pushing through it.
Got my first bill today that didn't have any insurance assistance. 
Today I went in for an ultrasound to see if I had developed follicles.  The ultrasound was $380 and then when I go in for the shot later it's going to be another $80 today or tomorrow.  Insurance did cover some of our first appt, the medication, and my procedure.  But we will be getting bills from them off of what wasn't covered. 
The doctor's office doesn't accept Care Credit anymore b/c apparently Care Credit dropped fertility from their coverages.  So I didn't apply for it.  So today, I just used some of the last money from our checking (still have enough to cover extra bills and essentials) but unless you're paying...don't ask the Thomases to go anywhere for awhile :)
I also ended up getting a credit card from Capital One, it doesn't have a very high limit, but if I have to use it, I guess I can.  I also ended up transferring our savings to our checking, so that stinks. 

So basically what I need right now, is reassurance.  That even though being broke sucks, it is for a good cause.  It's not because I went on a shopping spree (although that sounds fun) it's because I am trying to start a family for us that will last forever.  Some people have much less than us, don't have their own home and have to stay with relatives.  Some people don't have nice cars like us or are unable to fully care for their pets and have to give them up.  I would go hungry before I let my doggies and kitty starve.  So I must thank God for the blessings I have and hope that He will continue to provide things for us and "show us a way".

Now, do you want some good news????

I have a follicle!  It's 18cm and it must be between 18-22cm to be considered fertile.  Which means it's ready to be released.  Since I don't "ovulate" which means I don't release the eggs, I have to have a shot called HCG to force my body to release the egg.  And then hopefully if everything (cough cough) goes according to plan, I *could* get pregnant.  I am hopeful but not getting my hopes too high.  I know the chance is slim but hoping and praying for a miracle.  If I do get pregnant, there won't be any kind of annoucement until after the 1st trimester, for personal reasons.

So I guess all I can do right now, is hope these things work themselves out.  Hope the hubby starts his job soon and hope that I can continue to afford to "start" a family.  I'm just depressed today...ugh!  I need some ice cream.  Thanks for listening friends!

-Kira